


The Art of Pattern Making

by randomisedmongoose



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: BDSM, Blood, Edgeplay, Feelings, Gen, Needles, Piercings, Risk Aware Consensual Kink, Suspension, and lots of bathing cause I really like writing about water
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-02 07:11:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10212275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randomisedmongoose/pseuds/randomisedmongoose
Summary: Keyleth stumbles into a completely new world, and learns a lot about the various uses of needles.





	1. In which Keyleth gets the wrong idea

Keyleth had been looking for Pike for the better part of an hour. She wasn’t in her room, she wasn’t in the garden, she wasn’t in the temple. Keyleth knew she was here somewhere – after all, they had guests, and Pike had been wanting to talk to Kashaw and Zahra for some time now. It didn’t make sense that she’d just up and leave without saying something.

Finally, she thought to look in the baths. Maybe Pike had decided to relax a bit after training? But the baths were empty as well. Empty of people, that is – someone had put out fresh robes and towels, and there was warm water on the hearth. Keyleth shook her head in frustration, and decided to check the armoury.

On the way, she passed the door that led to Tiberius’ sandpit. No one used the room for anything nowadays – Keyleth went down there once to think about him, but it was so painful to be in a place that was so very HIS, that she never did it again. But now, she heard the low murmur of a voice behind the closed door. She put her ear to the door and listened. It sounded like Pike, but she couldn’t make out any words.

Happy that she had finally found the wayward cleric, Keyleth opened the door without knocking. ”Pike? Pike, I-”

She abruptly stopped in her tracks and took in the scene.

Pike sat backwards on a chair, leaning her head against the backrest, breathing heavily. She was stripped down to her breeches.

Zahra sat on a chair of her own bent over Pikes back. In her hand was an inch-long silver needle with a heavily ornate ivory handle. A couple more gold and silver needles lay in a nearly empty box beside her on a table. The rest of the needles were, to Keyleth’s horror, neatly stuck in an intricate pattern on Pike’s back. Grog sat on the floor, holding Pike’s hand with surprising tenderness. On a nearby couch was Kashaw, eating an apple and looking intently at Zahra’s hands.

The warlock was working in the light of large candle in a sturdy holder. A stack of crisp, white linen napkins lay on the table beside a ceramic bowl half-full with steaming water. Beside it stood another ceramic bowl, filled with the same linen napkins, stained with drying blood. Trickles of fresh blood ran from the many puncture wounds on Pike’s back, dripping and pooling on the stone floor.

“Wha- what are you DOING?! Zahra, stop it!“ She lunged towards the pair on the chairs, startling Zahra, who dropped the needle. It bounced on the tiles, making a clatter that mingled discordantly with Keyleth’s yelling.

Grog sprang up from the floor and barred the druid’s path. Zahra also rose, keeping one hand on Pike’s shoulder. “Kiki darling, it’s alright. Everything’s fine.”

“Fine? You’re hurting Pike! Grog, move, we have to stop her!” Keyleth tried to raise her arms to summon a Grasping Vine, but catching her intent, Grog caught her arms in a gentle but firm grasp.

“Keyleth, it’s okay. No-one’s in danger.” Grog bent down and looked Keyleth square in the eye. “Calm. Down.”

“Bu- what, what are you doing? Why are you stabbing needles into her back?!” Keyleth squirmed and tried to break free. “Pike, what’s all this about?” She tried to twist enough to look at Pike, but Grog barred her way.

Zahra stood up and put a hand on Keyleth’s shoulder. “Keyleth, if you calm down, I’ll tell you. But you NEED to relax and calm down. Please. You don’t want to make Pike upset right now.”

“I- but-“

“Please.”

Keyleth tensed up, eyes darting from Zahra to Grog to Kashaw, who sat on the edge of the sofa, attentive but stone-faced.  Then she slumped.

“…okay.”

Zahra sighed. “This is something Pike wants. We meet up, sometimes, and I help her create a pattern on her body. Grog is always here, so she feels safe. And Kash is also here, so she won’t have to heal herself afterwards.”

Keyleth was stunned. She shook her head, unsure what to think. “I’d like to talk to her.”

Grog looked to Zahra, who nodded. Slowly, he released Keyleth. She hurried to Pike and kneeled down in front of her, grasping her hands. She felt tears burning the back of her eyes. “Pike?”

Pike’s eyes were unfocused, but her voice was calm. “Keyleth. Hey.“

“Are you ALRIGHT, Pike? Please, I don’t know… is… is this something you want? Like she says?”

Pike smiled serenely. “Yeah. Done it before. S’good.”

“Done it before- Pike, why?!”

“Shhhh. Ask later. Inna bath. Gotta finish.” Pike let one hand brush lightly over Keyleth’s mouth. The druid bit her lip but nodded. She stood up and pulled back towards the sofa, hugging herself and looking nervously at Zahra.

Zahra sat down again. “Do you want me to continue, Pike?”

“Please, Zahra. Finish it. C’n take a little more.”

“If you’re sure, darling.” Zahra caressed Pike’s cheek gently. “You’re so good at this. I admire you.”

Pike smiled slowly. “Please do it now.”

Zahra picked up the silver needle that had fallen on the floor. Holding it by the handle, she moved it back and forth in the candle flame, then cooled it off in the clean water bowl. Then she set to work again.

Keyleth couldn’t watch. She screwed her eyes shut, and winced at every little noise of pain Pike made. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the noises stopped, and only Pike’s heavy breathing could be heard.

“Good work, Pike.” Kashaw’s short-clipped tones was less abrasive than usual – almost gentle.

Zahra sighed. “It’s so beautiful, Pike. Grog, darling, would you bring the mirrors so she can see?” Grog went over to the wall and brought back two good-sized mirrors, one of which he held in front of Pike. Zahra took the other and angled it so that Pike could see the pattern of needles on her back. Keyleth forced herself to look as well. The pattern was indeed beautiful, and one that Keyleth recognised – a stylized woman with wings, arm stretched out, the rising sun behind her head. Sarenrae. Had it been rendered in any other way than with gold and silver needles stuck into her friend’s skin, she would have adored it.

Pike stood up, helped by Grog, who held both her tiny hands in his huge ones. “Oh… Goddess…” Her face was rapturous, and she pried one shaky hand from Grog's grasp. She let her fingers lightly touch the mirror. She stood there for more than a minute, and then let her hand fall. “Zahra. Thank you. Need to sit now.”

Her knees buckled and almost gave way, and Grog quickly held her up and lowered her down on the chair. Zahra motioned to Kashaw. “My love, it’s time to get these out now. If you would?”

Kashaw hurried forward and put his hands on her shoulders. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, holding it. His hands began to glow with a weird light that almost seemed to dull the candle glow. Keyleth wasn’t sure what kind of healing spell it was, but it seemed to be much slower than usual. It eased the extraction of the needles as well as seal up the puncture wounds afterwards. Small white scars were left, picking out the outline of the pattern.

When Zahra had removed the last needle, Kashaw let the dark glow fade, breathing heavily. He sat down on his heels and looked Pike in the face, running a hand over her brow. “You okay there, short stuff?”

“Yeah.” Pike smiled at him. “Grog?” The goliath immediately picked her up. Pike relaxed into Grogs arms, curling into a small ball. He held her possessively. To Keyleth, it looked like something almost domestic – something they had done many times, something entirely comfortable.

Zahra wiped the last blood from her hands and looked over at Keyleth. ”We’re going over to the baths. I think we all need it tonight. If you wouldn’t mind joining us, Keyleth, we’ll explain more and you can ask all the questions you want.”

“I don’t want-“

“Keyleth, please.” Pike’s voice was soft and gentle, but it carried a note of command that Keyleth instinctively responded to. She sighed, annoyed but concerned for her friend.

“All right”, she grumbled, following Grog out the door.


	2. In which there is lots of bathing

In the baths, Zahra gently washed Pike’s blood-streaked torso with a soft sponge while Grog poured lukewarm water over her back. When she was clean, Grog helped her remove her clothes and waded into the bath, slowly lowering her down and letting her head rest against a folded towel. He then sat down cross-legged on the edge of the sunken bath, close to Pike. Kashaw took his tunic off, rolled his breeches up and sat on the edge as well, putting his feet into the hot water with a sigh. Zahra unselfconsciously pulled her blood-spattered robes off and strode naked into the water, settling herself against the far side.

 Pike beckoned to Keyleth, who hovered uncertainly just inside the door. “Come join us, please?”

 Keyleth shrugged. “If you want.” She stripped down and sat down stiffly across the way from Zahra.

Grog turned to Pike. “How ya feelin’, buddy?”

Pike smiled slowly. “Like I’m flying. So light.”

Grog chuckled and nodded at Keyleth. “She always says that. She can take anythin’, my monstah!” Keyleth shook her head and sank down into the water until it reached almost to her nose.

Everyone was silent for a while, washing their hair, getting up to get a drink of cold water or just lounging in the water. Grog got up from the edge after a while and poured a couple of buckets of water over him before getting in beside Zahra. Kashaw seemed content with wetting his feet. Keyleth noticed that however relaxed everyone was, there was always one of the others that had physical contact with Pike – a hand in her hair, a foot against her foot under the water, putting a towel over her shoulders.

After about twenty minutes of silent bathing, Pike turned to Kashaw. “Kash, please help me? I wanna talk to Kiki. Feels like I’m gonna fall asleep.” Her words were slightly slurred.

Kash nodded and put one hand on top of her head. This spell was more familiar, the dark light bloomed into the familiar all-enveloping magic of Greater Restoration. Pike took a deep breath and stretched, her eyes filled with energy.

“There. I think I had had enough for one evening. Thank you so much, Zahra.” She slipped over to Zahra on the submerged steps and gave the tiefling a warm hug.

“Any time, darling, you know that.” Zahra ruffled Pike’s hair.

Keyleth couldn’t take it anymore. For the last half hour she’d been bottling up all her comments, all her anxiety and anger, and seeing Pike and Zahra being so cuddly made something break. She stood up, making the water slosh over the edges of the bath.

“How can you be so- so NORMAL about this?!”

Zahra raised an eyebrow, releasing Pike and lounging backwards against the edge. “Because it IS normal, my love.” Her voice was calm but carried a note of provocation.

“What? No it’s not!” Keyleth plopped down into the water again, splashing water on Grog.

“Says the woman who routinely turns into animals and talks to plants.” Zahra studied her long, immaculate nails.

“That’s-“ Keyleth wavered for a moment.

“Different?”

“Beside the point!” Keyleth scowled and turned to Pike. “Why? Why would you subject yourself to something so horrible? I don’t understand! It- it doesn’t matter if it’s normal“ – she glared at Zahra – “or not – why do you hurt yourself?”

Pike looked at her and sighed. “It’s… complicated. But I’ll try to explain, if you’ll try to understand. Okay, Kiki?” She looked earnestly at Keyleth, who nodded.

“It helps me… feel. I-“ Pike fell silent, looking for words that fit her feelings. “I spend so much time caring for others, keeping their spirits up, keeping their bodies alive… I just don’t have time for me, you know? And this helps me. When Zahra helps me, it’s all about me. And then I can feel all those things I can’t feel otherwise.”

“But- but you shouldn’t have to! You shouldn’t have to hurt yourself!”

“I don’t HAVE to do anything. I CHOOSE to take care of my feelings this way. Others do it in other ways.” Pikes voice was mild but firm.

Keyleth started to say something, but fell quiet. She considered for a moment. “How did you… start this? How do you… learn about this kind of… thing?”

“Grog told me about it, when we grew up. He gave me my first piercing.” Pike fondly lay a hand on Grogs arm. “Two pieces of ice and a needle, and now I can put pretty things in my ears when I don’t fight.”

“That’s diff-“ Keyleth stopped herself. Zahra smiled. “Fine. Grog told you. How did you learn about it then?” She turned to Grog, who shrugged.

“We’ve always done this. Us goliaths. Needles an’ hooks an’ tattoos an’ shit. It’s just what we do.”

Keyleth angrily shook her head. “That’s not an answer! Is that a good reason, to do something just because someone else did it before? Do YOU want to?”

“Keyleth…“ Pike looked anxiously at Grog, trying to shield him from Keyleth’s anger.

“Nah, s’alright.” Grog gestured vaguely, his slow mind trying to find words for concepts that were so ingrained that he could just as well try to explained why he needed to breathe. “We don’t…. we don’t talk much, yeah? We fight, an’ we fuck, an’ we raid, an’ all that. But… yeh gotta do something. Like Pike does. All them words that don’t get said, they hurt yeh. Yeh gotta get it outta yeh, otherwise yeh just... go bad. Like an apple what’s rotting from inside. An’ us goliaths, we’re really good at hurtin’ people, yeah? So we hurt each other, but it’s a good kinda hurt. Keeps yeh sane.” He shrugged, and his brow furrowed. “Most times, anyway. Sometimes, it’s to prove yer the biggest and baddest motherfucker.”

“How… how do you do that?” Keyleth looked like she dreaded the answer.

“Puttin’ hooks in yer back an’ hangin’ from the ceiling, mostly.”

“Hooks? In the back?” Keyleth said with a small voice.

“Yeh. Or in the chest.”

Keyleth brooded on this. She let her hands float on the surface of the bathwater, making small circles that radiated outwards. Grog thoughtfully scratched his armpit.

“Bit different, the way Pike does it, though. When us goliaths do it, ain’t no one gets asked if they wanna do it. Yeh just do it, cause yeh gotta. But that’s no good. Gotta be askin’ beforehand. Askin’ to get it, an’ askin’ to do it. Pike taught me that.”

Pike nodded, and looked at Keyleth, her face serious. “That’s the core of this. Asking. I ask for this because it helps me. It’s not the only way I can handle my feelings, but it is one of the most profound. And Grog, Zahra and Kash help me because they want to.”

“Is it always you four, then?” Keyleth looked around at the others.

“At the moment, yes.” Zahra nodded.

Pike nodded as well. “But before Zahra, I’ve had other people help me make the pattern. Grog sometimes, but his hands are not really meant for this kind of work. Scanlan sometimes, but he preferred to help in other ways. He would sing for us, and make sure there was something to eat and drink, and hug us afterwards.” Pike fell silent for a moment and looked sad.

“But mostly I employed professionals. Believe it or not, there are enough people in the world that like the same things we do.” She chuckled. “There was a seamstress in Emon that specialised in corsets. She made fine cloth ones, but her speciality was only using the needle and thread.” Pike grinned.

Keyleth looked confused. “I- I don’t understand. How can you make a corset without cloth?”

Zahra smiled. “Don’t tease, Pike. She doesn’t fully understand the why yet, how could she understand the how?” Pike stopped grinning and nodded, slightly sheepishly.

“I’m sorry, Kiki. I tend to get a bit giddish after sessions. You put two rows of needles or rings down the back that you lace up, just like you would lace a corset. It’s very pretty – not my preferred pattern, but very pretty.”

Keyleth shook her head. “But… doesn’t it hurt when you pull on the needles? I mean… I can… understand, kind of, putting the needles in. But why pull on them? And…“ She shot a nervous glance towards Grog. “And the hooks? They… they must hurt so much!”

The goliath shrugged. “Yeah, they hurt, mostly goin’ in. When yer on yer way up, an’ when yer up there, yeh mostly feel the _kanakh_.”

“The what?” Keyleth looked confused again.

Grog gestured vaguely again. “It’s… kinda… Pike, little help ‘ere?” He looked helplessly at the tiny gnome.

Pike laughed. “This took a long time for me to understand, and I didn’t really get it entirely until I tried it myself. It’s a kind of exhilaration, a loss of self and a concentration of self at the same time; it’s being, entirely, in this space and being one with the world. It’s quite wonderful.”

Zahra smiled. “It all depends on who you are, I think. I feel it as a profound calm that turns to energy. But I’m not what you would call a spiritual person.”

Keyleth looked around at them. “And you, Kashaw? How does it feel to you?”

The cleric grinned wryly. “I don’t actually partake in this. I’ve got enough scars, thank you.” He looked away and pulled his feet out of the water.

Zahra frowned and splashed water on him. “Kash, we’re trying to teach Keyleth something here. You don’t have to tell, but no lying, brother of mine.”

Kashaw scowled at her and pulled his knees closer to his body. He stared down into the water in silence, then sighed deeply and put his feet back in.

“I’ve only done it once. Zahra helped me. We… we put needles in my scars.” He touched his right arm. “I wanted to see if I could make them mine and not hers.”

Keyleth knew very well who “her” was. She shuddered.

“And... it kind of worked. Not perfectly, mind you. But shit, why would I ever have anything perfect.” He scowled and stared into the water. “It felt easier, afterwards. This time, it was all my choice to do it. I didn’t get that feeling they talk about, though. It just hurt, and I got a rush.” He smiled again, this time more warmly. “But I’m happy I did it. It was a good thing.”

Keyleth put her hand on his knee and gave it a quick squeeze.

Pike smiled at Kashaw. “So you see, there are a lot of reasons someone might want to do this. And that’s not even touching on the sexual aspects.”

Keyleth made a double-take. “The se- what?” She stared at Pike.

“And that’s my cue.” Zahra scooted closer to Keyleth. “That’s my main reason. But stop me if you don’t want to hear this?” She looked intently at Keyleth, who flapped her hands vaguely.

“No, okay- I mean, go on, sure. Yeah.” Keyleth noticed her hands waving about and promptly sat on them, splashing water on Grog again.

Zahra laughed warmly. “So. You asked about the pulling. That sort of thing can be very… intense, if you enjoy that sort of sensation.” She sat up, exposing her naked torso above the water, and Keyleth could see that each of her nipples was pierced by a small silver ring. Zahra hooked a nail through one of the rings and pulled. She smiled slowly and lowered her eyelids. Keyleth felt her cheeks burn. Zahra let the ring drop.

“Permanent piercings, like these, are one way. Or you can make temporary ones. The pain is only one aspect of it – the power is another.”

“The power?”

“Having the power to hurt another, even if that other wants you to, can be very stimulating. And vice versa, of course – being left to someone’s devices.” She leaned back towards the edge of the bath again. “As long as everyone is in agreement, and you have a healer on hand.”

Keyleth slid down into the water again. This time, she didn’t stay above the surface – instead she let herself be submerged fully. When she broke the surface again, she saw Pike and Zahra shaking with giggles.

“I’m so sorry, Kiki – we didn’t mean to break you!” Pike slid over and hugged Keyleth. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Yep. Yes. I just- it’s a lot, okay? I, yeah. I have to think about this.” She pulled her wet hair out of her eyes. “I really, really have to think about it. But, Pike?” She clasped the gnome’s hands in hers and held them tight. “I’m happy that you’re okay. I… I don’t understand, not all of it, but I’m happy that you’re okay. And that you found something that works.”

Pike gently pulled her hands free and hugged Keyleth again. “Aww, Kiki. Thank you. We’ll talk more later, okay? I think this is enough for now.”

“Yeah. Okay. That- that sounds good.” Keyleth abruptly rose from the bath, padded over to the stack of towels and wrapped one around her body and one around her hair.

“I’ll- I’ll see you later.” She quickly looked around at the others. “Yeah.” She slipped out of the door, letting it fall shut behind her. The sound of the door was loud in the stone-clad room.

“Well. That went swimmingly!” Kashaw rolled his eyes. Zahra splashed water on him.


	3. In which Keyleth is curious, and Grog hangs around

A week later Pike and Grog sat in the kitchen, sharing a meal of cold cuts and fruit, chatting and laughing. When they noticed Keyleth standing awkwardly in the doorway, they both fell silent. Grog waved a huge mitt at her, and Keyleth slunk over and sat down, staring at the table. Pike pushed a plate with ham, mustard and apples over to her.

“How ya doin’, Kiki?” Grog took another large bite out of the turkey leg he was holding. Keyleth gave a half-shrug and picked up a small piece of apple.

Pike smiled. “Did you want to talk to us about anything?”

Keyleth fiddled with the apple. “You know I’m not very good at. You know. People. And.” She faltered. Pike smiled encouragingly.

“I… I’ve been thinking about what you said. About feelings. And how you… can get them out. I’ve thought about it a lot.” She tapped the apple on the table repeatedly until it broke in two and fell off the table, splattering on the stone floor. She squared her shoulders and looked at Grog. “I’d- I’d like to ask you a favour. You’ve taught me to control my rage, before. And I have much to learn yet, to be a good leader. Facing pain is- it feels like a part of that. So.” She hesitated. “I’d. I’d like to…” She took a deep breath. “I’d like to help, if that’s okay with you. The next time you… the next time you. Hang.”

Pike and Grog exchanged a glance. Grog nodded. “Sure. But you can’t scream or pass out or anythin’, right? An’ no ragin’ an’ tryin’ to save me.  I promise I’ll be okay.”

Keyleth seemed taken aback by the quick, easy answer, but swallowed and nodded. Grog grinned and leaned down, looking her square in the eyes.

“Yeah, ‘cause you could just *skoooosh* crush all our stuff like that!” He made a crushing motion with his giant hands. “An’ then we’d hafta clean everythin’ up an’ that, an’ that’d be boring.” He ruffled her hair, grinning.

 

****************

 

An intricate rope-and-pulley system was set up between the floor and ceiling of the sandpit. It looked sturdy, but since it wasn’t here last time, it must be collapsible somehow. Keyleth took it in in with fascination mingled with trepidation. “Did you all make this?”

Pike shook her head. “No. Percy did. He designed it, and helped us put it together.”

“Percy? But he’s not here?”

Pike looked sad. “No. When I asked him to help us build this, he said that he would help us make anything we needed, but his… experiences… with Ripley…” She faltered. “He didn’t know what would happen to him – or to us – if he saw us do this. Too many bad memories.”

Keyleth winced. “So you don’t talk to him at all about this?”

“He doesn’t ask, and we don’t bring it up.” She adjusted one of the pulleys. “This is not for everyone, Keyleth. Your reaction, when you saw us – I understand completely. For some, it’s just not possible to understand. I’m happy that you try to.” She finished fiddling with the ropes and went over to Grog and Zahra.

Grog sat cross-legged on the floor above the pit. The tiefling had two clean sheets laid out on a table, one with needles, much longer and thicker than the ones she had used on Pike; and one with roughly a dozen nasty-looking hooks. She had already threaded one hook into a hole above Grog’s left pectoral.

Keyleth swallowed. “Is it really necessary to have so- so many?”

Zahra smiled. “Grog’s a big man.” She pierced another spot on Grog’s hairless chest, and threaded the large hook through the hole. Grog tugged lightly at it, nodded, and pointed to another spot. Zahra took up a fresh needle and went to work.

“Too few, and his skin would tear. Too many, and it’s just pain for no use. Too small, too big – each person needs different ones. It takes a while to learn.”

Keyleth watched as the large, half-blunt fishhooks, one after the other, were threaded into the holes Zahra made. The way the hook moved under the skin was fascinating in a way – it was something foreign, serving a purpose that she was desperately trying to grasp the meaning of.

“You said before… that it hurts, doing that?”

Grog made a half-shrug with the shoulder on his so far un-pierced side. “Well, I can feel it, sure. But it’s, like, a good hurt. Dun even get me into a rage or anythin’.”

Zahra moved to the other side, leaving the five hooks. Grog tugged at one of them again, making the blood seep out from underneath it. When Zahra had finished piercing both sides of his chest, she and Pike attached chains to each of the hooks and made sure they were securely fastened. Grog stood on the sand floor, looking up towards the ceiling. He looked perfectly calm, nothing but his lips moving. Keyleth could hear a low, droning hum, atonal but rhythmic. It was hard to stop listening to – it drew you in, almost, and made you sleepy.

Pike dusted off her hands and turned to Grog. “Ready?” He nodded. Zahra, Keyleth, Pike and Kash each took one of the ropes and pulled. In turn, chains tightened, and each of the ten hooks attached to Grog’s chest tugged at him, stretching his skin out to the point where she was sure it must tear. But then, his body started to rise, the ropes, chains and hooks lifting him up towards the ceiling. Grog’s head was thrown back, arms and legs limp, his whole massive body carried upwards by the ten pieces of metal. When Grog was all the way up, they secured the ropes to four rings in the floor. Zahra and Pike each took one leg and pushed lightly, making Grog sway back and forth like a corpse on a gibbet. His head was still thrown back, his body relaxed. She could still hear his voice, his lips forming that low, perpetual humming. Blood ran in tiny crimson rivulets down his chest, pooling on his belt and drying there in dark spots.

Keyleth forced herself to look at him, to be quiet, to honour his request for her to be calm and collected. But every nerve in her was screaming for her to jump up and burn the ropes off with her flaming hands, to pull him down from there with a vine around his ankles. She backed away to the wall and sat down. The others also sat down, or checked the ropes, or checked that Grog was still conscious. Nobody talked loudly, but she could hear Zahra and Kashaw having a low off-and-on conversation. Time passed. Keyleth wasn’t sure how much. The panic in her gut subsided, aided by the eerie humming that kept on emanating from Grog’s throat. After a while she almost fell asleep.

“Down.” The sound of Grog’s voice was loud in the silent room, and Keyleth jumped like a frightened mouse, then berated herself for being so skittish. She ran up to her rope and began to undo it the same way the others did. They lowered the goliath down in unison, letting him come to rest on the blood-spattered floor.

Grog sat there, staring off into the distance, still humming. A minute passed. Another. Keyleth began to feel panicked again. Was she supposed to do something?

“Out.“

Zahra placed a bowl full of what Keyleth later learned was a blend of warm water, alcohol and witch hazel extract on the floor, together with an empty bowl. Kash used a soft cloth dipped in the blend to clean off the blood that had crusted around the hooks, then pulled them out, placing them one after another in the empty bowl. He cleaned each puncture wound thoroughly, and finished by winding a clean dressing around Grog’s chest.

“Aren’t you going to heal him?” Keyleth half raised her own hand to lay it on Grogs chest, but he put his own, much larger hand on top of hers, gently lowering it without stopping the humming note.

Pike shook her head emphatically. “No. Not unless it goes septic, and hopefully we’ve avoided that. Letting them heal on their own is part of it for him.” Zahra and Kash gathered up the materials and quietly left the sand pit, then waited for Pike and Keyleth at the door.

The gnome rose, and took Keyleth’s hand. “Let’s go. He’ll come back to us when he’s ready.”

“But…” Keyleth ached to hold Grog, to comfort him after what must have been an ordeal, but Pike gently but firmly led her out of the room.

“Afterwards is different, too. This is all part of it. I promise he’ll be alright.”  

Keyleth glanced at Grog before she left. He sat cross-legged on the sand, the atonal droning hum still filling the chamber. His eyes looked at something far off. On the white bandages covering his chest, small, crimson flowers slowly bloomed.


	4. In which Keyleth and Vax try to figure things out

Keyleth was pacing the length of her room, to and fro, to and fro like a caged animal.

“I got so angry, you know, I thought they were hurting her! And- and I got so confused… I know Grog would never, ever hurt her, but he just sat there…”

Vax hummed. He’d heard her say it before, but obviously she needed to say it again. Keyleth slumped down on the bed and pulled her hands violently through her hair, dislodging the horns. Frustrated, she threw them on the floor.

“Vax… I don’t know why I’m so afraid of this”, she wailed. “We’ve… we’ve fought beholders! Ancient dragons! Kraken! I’ve seen you all die! Why does this make me so afraid?” She twisted the hem of her tunic until the stitches protested.

Vax ran her hands over her arms, up, down, soothing her. “I can’t know for sure… but you know, when we do that, we…” He stopped and considered. “At least, for me – I go into it knowing shit might go down. We might get hurt. We might even die. But we don’t sit and take the pain without a fight. All these things want to fuck us over, and we give them back ten times more.” He stopped again and chuckled. “It feels sometimes that we’re at our best when we just charge in, not thinking of the pain. The times when we have to be vulnerable are the worst. When the Take was going to brand us. When we needed to be chained in the City of Brass.  Down in Dis. When I… when I went to talk with the Raven Queen for the first time.”

Keyleth sighed and slumped her shoulders. “But you know, pain- pain is a part of life, you now? It’s part of nature!”

“Sure. But a lot of things are part of nature. Doesn’t mean they’re always good, or easy to deal with, you know that.”

Vax gently pulled her down on the bed and put his arms around her. She relaxed and cuddled close to him.

“They’re not afraid, though. They invite pain in. Like… a tool. Pike and Grog… it seems like such a spiritual experience for them, you know? When I saw Grog hanging… I mean, I’ve seen him bleed far worse, I knew he could take it. But he was so… serene, almost.”

“Serene? Grog?” Vax snorted.

“I know, right? It didn’t feel like him, it- it was something I’ve never seen in him. It- it scared me a bit. And I got a little envious.”

“But not everyone feels like that, from what you tell me. Not Zahra and Kash?”

Keyleth blushed slightly. “Yeah. No. Not her.  And not Kash either, I guess. But he… I mean, Vesh… he REALLY doesn’t want it to be spiritual.” She hesitated, looking puzzled. Vex sat up on his elbow and looked at her thinking in silence.

“… and for Zahra, it’s not about that at all. She just- she just LIKES it. Different… parts of it.”

Vax hummed. Keyleth turned to lay on her back.

“Maybe that’s it then”, she said. “Maybe it’s what you bring into it? I mean- I mean, Pike wants it to be her. Her alone with Sarenrae, or with herself. It feels like she’s… creating space to exist in? Does that make sense?”

Vax raised his eyebrows and made a noncommittal noise. Keyleth bit her thumb and stared at the ceiling.

“For Grog, it’s what he does, it’s being a goliath. Proof that he is what he’s always been. That he’s still part of that, and part of that while being with us. For Zahra, it’s, it’s, well, sex. The sexy bits. And for Kash… it’s dealing with things that’s been done to him. “

She sat up, mulling the idea over. Vax sat up as well and reached over to the nightstand, picked up a brush and started to brush her hair with long, slow strokes.

“Right, so,” he said. “Maybe you’re right. What would you bring to it, then? If YOU would do it. I’m not saying you should,” he said hurriedly, feeling her tense up, ”but if you theoretically would do it, what would you want?” He kept on brushing her hair, working through it front to back, slowly and methodically, giving her space to think.

Keyleth considered, enjoying the silence and the soft noise of the brushstrokes. What would SHE bring? Was there something she needed, that could be gotten from this? Pain is not pain is not pain. What was the difference here? What set this apart from being hurt?

Minutes passed in silence, the sound of the brush slowly untangling her hair the only noise in the room.

“Control.”

“Hmm?” Vax didn’t stop brushing, but Keyleth could feel him shift into a more attentive stance.

“I feel like… if I did manage to do it. Then it’s the difference between choosing a path and having a path thrust upon you. It’s having control. It’s… leading. Leading myself.”

Vax put the brush down on the bed and put his arms around her again.

“If you’d choose to lead yourself there, then I’d follow you.”


	5. In which a pattern is made

“Pike?”

“Yes, honey?” Pike looked up from polishing her armour. She was sitting on a bench in Keyleth’s garden, feet drawn up under her as she went to town on a particularly stubborn spot of rust. Keyleth sat down on the bench beside her.

“I need your help.”

Pike put down the armour and the polishing cloth and turned to Keyleth. “Anything I can do, you know that, Keyleth.”

Keyleth looked down at her hands. They were trembling. She clasped them together.

“I’ve. Thought. About all this that you do. You know I didn’t understand why, first.” She turned to face Pike. “But I think I do now? I mean – I might be wrong, I’m often wrong, but I think I have an idea?”

Pike smiled. “Yes? And?”

Keyleth took a deep breath. “There is no single answer. It’s different for everyone, right? So for some people, I mean, like you, or Kash, probably, or maybe not in a way, anyway, it’s about your, your deities, right? And for Grog, it’s his culture, and for Zahra-“

“Keyleth? Keyleth.” Pike put her hands up to stop the barrage of words. “You’re not wrong. But I think. I think, that you’re putting a bit too much thought into this.” She cocked her head to one side and looked intently at Keyleth. “Yes, it’s different for all of us. We told you this, in the bath. And during Grog’s experience.” She reached up and stroked Keyleth’s hair. “Why is it that you’ve put so much thought into it?”

Keyleth didn’t answer; instead, she leaned into the caress, like a cat. Pike smiled and waited as she kept petting Keyleth.

“Kiki? What is it you need help with?” she said, after a few minutes of silence.

Keyleth took a deep breath. “Make one on me.”

Pike kept on stroking her hair. “Make what?”

“A pattern. I want you to make a pattern. On me.”

Pike stopped petting her and took her face in both her small hands. “Why?”

Keyleth met her gaze, her face a jumble of emotions. “I want to know… I want to know if I can do it.”

Pike smiled and kissed Keyleth’s forehead. “That’s a good reason.”

Keyleth exhaled. Her whole body trembled as the tension left her. She hadn’t noticed how tightly coiled she had been; now all her muscles were slowly relaxing one by one. Pike shifted and have her a hug, then sat back on the bench.

“How do you want to do this? Do you want Zahra and Kash to come back and help us? I’m sure they’d-“

Keyleth quickly shook her head. “I- I would like. To have just you, and Grog. And Vax. If that’s ok.”

“Of course. Of course. We’ll do it like you want, okay?”

Keyleth nodded.

“What kind of pattern would you like me to make?”

Keyleth suddenly felt stupid. She hadn’t actually considered that bit – just asking for it had taken so much courage.

“Remember, anything I make will be transient,” Pike said and put her hand on top of Keyleth’s. “If you don’t want any trace of it afterwards, there won’t be a trace.”

Keyleth looked around the garden. It was beautiful. She’d put a lot if work into it – planting the flowers, arranging the flowerbeds and the small paths that wound between them, carefully pruned and guided the trees so that their limbs wouldn’t tangle. It was her domain entirely.

She turned back to Pike. “Could you make a flower?”

Pike smiled. “Oh, that will be so beautiful on you. Where do you want it?”

“On- on my back. Like you. I… I don’t think I can look at it. When you- when you do it.”

“I think that’s very wise of you.” Pike gently stroked her cheek with a callused hand. “Just taking this step is huge. Let’s not push it too far right now.”

 

* * *

 

 Once again, the room with the sand pit was put to use. Pike, Vax, Grog and Keyleth had set up the same arrangement as with Pike – chairs, table, candle, bowls, needles. Keyleth was beyond nervous, so much of Vax’s time was spent holding and reassuring her. Finally, Pike declared the setup to be finished, and she and Keyleth sat down on the chairs. As she cleaned her back with a damp washcloth, Pike started to lay out the details of what she would do, so that Keyleth wouldn’t be surprised when it happened.

“… and when I’ve marked the spots, I’ll start putting the needles in. You need to… Keyleth?” Keyleth wasn’t listening. Instead, she was crying quietly, her head leaned against the chair. Vax was there in an instant, grabbing her hands and kissing them. Pike got up and sat down in front of her.

“Are you alright, Kiki?”

Keyleth looked up, eyes brimming with tears.

“Please… please don’t hurt me.”

Pike’s eyes widened, and she hugged Keyleth tightly. “I swear to you, I won’t do ANYTHING you don’t tell me to do. This is yours. All this is for you. Do you understand?”

Keyleth nodded, the tears overflowing and dripping down her cheeks. She sniffled and dried her nose on the heel of her hand. Pike looked her deep in the eyes, her face serious.

“I will hurt you, Keyleth. That is… it’s the point of this. But I will not, I would never harm you. And we will stop immediately, for any reason, any time you want,” Pike continued. “I’ll heal you, and it’ll be gone.”

Vax kissed her hands again. “Are you entirely sure you want to do this, Kiki?”

She didn’t see any fear in him, only concern, and deep, deep love. “Yes. I want to try. I want to see for myself. I know that it… it might not work. But I need to see- I need to see if I can go. Where I lead myself.”

Vax nodded. “Alright.” He sat down cross-legged, still holding her hands.

Keyleth rested her upper body against the curved backrest again and forced herself to stop shivering. Pike marked out where the needles would go in using a piece of charcoal. Grog stood behind her shoulder, peering at the picture.

“Oh, that’ll be pretty, Pikey. Jus’ like one o’ them big blue ones from her garden, yeah?”

Keyleth held Vax’ hand in a tight grip. Pike rubbed her shoulders and upper back gently, fingers skirting the pattern she’d picked out, just reassuring Keyleth that she was there.

“All right. I’m going to start now, Keyleth.”

Keyleth nodded and held her breath, tensing for the first sting of the needle. After a few seconds she felt Pike’s gentle hand on her shoulder.

“Keyleth? You need to breathe. If you tense up, it’ll just hurt and bleed more, and you might faint. Now, do as I do. Vax, please help her.” She started breathing in a steady rhythm. “In, out. In, out. In, out. Concentrate on your breathing. Relax your muscles. Rest against the chair. In, out. In, out. Like a wave. Your breath is like a wave, lapping the shore.”

Pike’s calm voice helped Keyleth to relax. She concentrated on her breathing, and on the form of Vax in front of her. Pike put both her hands on her neck, and rubbed soft, slow circles in time with each breath. After a few minutes, Keyleth felt less tense, and Pike removed her hands.

“Very good, Keyleth. Keep doing it, just like that.”

Pike picked one of the golden needles up and cleaned it in the flame and water. Then, she pinched a small fold of skin by one of the marks and pushed the needle in, just under the skin, careful not to touch the muscle or bone underneath. It emerged on the other side, beads of blood forming at the punctures. Keyleth ground her teeth but tried to keep breathing in time with Vax. The pain was not unbearable, but insistent. The real struggle was to keep from shying away from it, to keep breathing, stay calm and let the pain happen to her.

“There, that’s the first one. Are you doing okay?”

Keyleth nodded.

“Do you want to continue?”

She nodded again. “Yes.”

Pike picked up the next needle and cleaned it in the candle flame.

 

* * *

 

After a while, the teeth-clenching anticipation before each sting lessened.

She didn’t really feel each individual needle anymore, just a huge, throbbing ache that encompassed her whole back, like a spiderweb connecting each aching nerve and puncture. She could feel the progression of the beads of blood that slowly dripped down her back and could hear them occasionally make tiny splashes on the floor. Each new needle added to the ache, but the sharp piercing feeling of the first needles going in was dulled to an insistent, invasive tickling that made her think of the slow progression of poison in veins.

She hadn’t really been aware of pain this way before – most times, when they fought, were damaged, it all went so fast – they didn’t have time to think of the pain, and when the fight was over, they helped each other to remove it, quickly. But now she sat with the pain for – how long? She had no feeling for how long she had been sitting in this chair. A lifetime? Thirty minutes? She felt lightheaded, floaty. The pain was there, but she was apart from it, somehow – like she had been transported slightly above and to the side of the pain. She felt herself breathing still, keeping time with Vax, felt his hands as they caressed hers, tethering her. She felt Pike’s hands on her back, the uncomfortable insertion of another dose of poison under her skin. She heard Grogs footsteps, unmistakeably heavy. Knowing that they were still there reassured her so much. She didn’t realise she was crying again until she felt Vax’s thumb gently wipe away the tears that were streaming down her face.

 “Kiki.” Pike’s voice was gentle. “We’re done. You’re done. Do you want to see it?”

Keyleth kept breathing, in, out, that steady rhythm that had kept her up through the whole session. After a what must have been a couple of minutes (but might have been seconds) she spoke, slowly, raw, like she’d never used her voice before.

“Yes. Show me.”

Vex didn’t release his grip on her hands, so Pike and Grog brought the mirrors for her to see. She could hear them shuffling around her, but kept looking at the floor.

“Keyleth? Yeh can look now.” Grogs voice was surprisingly gentle as well. She forced herself to raise her head inch by inch until she saw herself clearly in the mirror.

The pattern was simple, but beautiful. Two rings of small needles, one silver, one gold, intertwining and sharing the space on her upper back, formed the shape of a flower in bloom. A row of burnished black needles meandered down her spine and came to rest in the curve of her lower back, forming a stem.

Keyleth raised one hand to touch the image in the mirror in front of her. Moving, even as little as this, made the needles pull at her damaged skin. It was a weird feeling – like pulling at a garment that was too tight or scratching your nail over an old scar. She could see the needles shifting as her muscles and bone moved under the skin – like the leaves of a tree shifting in a light breeze. She smiled.

“I want to keep it. Can you let me keep it?”

Pike shot a glance at Vax, who raised an eyebrow. “We can’t leave the needles,” Pike said. “But I can leave the scars.”

“Like you.”

“Yes, like on me.”

Keyleth nodded and let her head rest on the chair once again. She could feel the strength slowly ebbing out of her, leaving the floaty feeling. She could hear Pike moving things around behind her back as from a long way away.

“Vax, you’ll have to help me now. Grog’s hands are too big for this.”

Vax nodded and gently let go of Keyleth’s hands. “What do you need me to do?”

“You need to pull on the needles – slowly! – as I’m healing her. Then just put them in there, I’ll clean them later.”

Vax nodded again and sat down beside Pike as the warm light of a healing spell started to glow around her hands. Where Kashaw’s light had been dulling, dimming, this light made the candles burn brighter and reduced the shadows to grey scraps in the corners. She put a finger on the first needle and nodded to Vax. He started to pull at it, slowly, gently. The crusted blood that kept it in place burned away, and it slipped out easily. As he threw the bloody needle in a bowl, the light closed the two puncture wounds, leaving two small, white scars on Keyleth’s brown skin.

They worked their way down her back, removing the needles in the same order they had been inserted. The pinpoint scars now picked out the floral design, subtle but undeniably present.

“Keyleth. Kiki? We’re done now.” Pike crouched down in front of Keyleth so she could look into her face. “Would you like to take a bath? It’s really pleasant afterwards.”

Keyleth nodded. She tried to get up, but her limbs were weak and trembling, and she almost fell over. Vax and Grog, who had been hovering beside her, were both there in an instant to catch her. Grog gently picked her up, trying his best not to touch her back too much. He held her like a baby, her head resting on his shoulder, one arm hanging to the side. She curled up close to Grogs chest as Vax took her hand again.

Down in the baths, Pike and Vax stripped naked, helped her remove her clothes and then led her slowly into the pool. The warm water felt wonderful – until it reached her back. She jolted from the pain and almost fell over, but Pike and Vax steadied her and sat her down in the shallow end, where the water didn’t reach above her waist. Pike started to try to clean her back, but even the soft touch of the sponge on her back was almost unbearable. All her nerves were overloaded, and even the lightest touch made them all fire at once.

Pike shook her head. “We’ll do that in a bit.” Instead, she started massaging Keyleth’s calves. Judging from how nice it felt she must have tensed them up without noticing. Vax slowly untangled her hair with his fingers, washing away dried blood and sweat. The floating feeling was receding, and Keyleth could feel the pain in her back more and more. When she saw her wincing, Pike laid a hand on her chest.

“May I?”

Keyleth nodded. “Could you please? It hurts.”

Pike smiled. Her hand began to glow. The magic wrapped around Keyleth like spider threads, enveloping her head to toe in a translucent cocoon made of light. After a few seconds the cocoon faded. Keyleth felt much better – the fog, the sluggishness in her thoughts was gone, as was the pain in her back. A tiny bit of the floaty feeling was still there, however, and she could feel something else fill her – pride, strong and pure. She looked up at the others and could see the same in them – pride in her, in her accomplishment.

Vax slid down into the bath and hugged her from behind. “What is this for you, Keyleth?” he murmured into her ear. “What did you take from this?”

She leaned back and kissed him. “Control. Control over fear, control over pain.”

Pike chuckled and picked the sponge up again, handing it to Vax. “I’d follow a leader like that.”

Vax squeezed the water from the sponge, letting it drip down Keyleth’s back. He rubbed away the blood, watching it run into the water, turning it pink.

“I intend to. As long as I can.” he murmured.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! If you have any comments or corrections about the kinks presented in this work, please tell me - this is not based on personal experience, just on fascination and research.


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